How to Date as a Highly Sensitive Person: First Dates

Some people feel excited by the prospect of dating. The whole process – getting dressed up and meeting new people and trying different places and making good conversation. It energizes some of you superhumans.

I am not one of these people.

If you’re like me, the concept of dating exhausts you. I don’t date for the sake of dating; most of the time, I don’t find it enjoyable. I date with the hope that, one of these days, I will meet someone who persuades me to discontinue the process.

Until that time, I will continue to refine my experience of dating. And, to that end, I’ve compiled a handful of tried-and-true tools I use to make first dates tolerable as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

If you’re an introvert or a sensitive soul, maybe this list will settle your nervous system when dating, too.

1. Choose a setting for the date that feels safe. It will preferably be close to your home, somewhere you have been before, and relatively quiet. I have a few favorite bars and restaurants in rotation for first dates. It is okay to be assertive when making plans. I am willing to compromise on setting, but only if I feel totally comfortable with the person I am meeting.
2. Wear whatever you want, but make sure it is something that makes you feel comfortable and confident. To reduce stress, I now have a first date uniform. (I’m not kidding.) I wear the same red shirt, jeans, and shoes, with few exceptions. I like to add a pair of statement earrings or a necklace so I feel put-together.
3. Listen to some calming music on your way to the date. Sing along to distract yourself and reduce nervous energy.
4. Arrive with enough time to park without stress. (There’s nothing like parallel parking under pressure to set the tone for the evening.)
5. Take a few deep breaths in the car.
6. I’m a hugger, so I hug to greet my date (pre-Covid, anyway). Bonus: hugs help to calm your nervous system.
7. Get a table. If possible, choose to sit with your back to the wall. It sounds silly, but just trust me on this one.
8. Order a cocktail. I personally recommend a lemon drop. Some might consider this an unhealthy coping strategy, but I find that the positive association I have with fun and fruity cocktails keeps me relaxed. (And, sure, the alcohol might help on this front, too.)
9. There will be occasional awkward moments. Just breathe! And tell yourself (silently) that you’re enough, worthy, etc. (Whatever you need to hear.)
10. Hopefully the date feels, at minimum, safe. If it doesn’t? Leave. It doesn’t matter whether it’s been five minutes or twelve hours. Prioritize yourself.
11. Make sure that you have absolutely no plans following the date. Take time for yourself – watch a television show, take a bath, or read a book.

Maybe you’re reading this list and saying to yourself: “She is a control freak.”

You’re not wrong. I love to pretend I’m in control.

But dating is inherently full of uncertainty – full of variables outside my control. By following the steps above and limiting unhelpful surprises, I keep the process endurable.

I control the controllable pieces and leave the rest up to the universe.