Gradually, I became more comfortable verbally expressing my feelings for Jason. I would return his proclamations of love with three words of my own and, sometimes, I even spontaneously said it first. I felt stretched by this, but it was a good stretch. I was outside my comfort zone, but I wasn’t drowning.
Jason remained unsatisfied though, and he expressed this to me, late one night, just when I thought our relationship was sailing smoothly.
“I would like for us to say ‘I love you’ to each other at least once a day,” he told me.
I could have just said “Okay,” putting an extra box at the end of my daily checklist: remove makeup, brush teeth, floss, tell Jason I love him, lock doors. I could have seen the request for what it was: a need for affirmation to calm an activated (anxious) attachment system.
Instead, I said something along the lines of “That stresses me out,” which was the truth. I wanted “I love you” to feel like an unprompted and authentic expression of care, not like drudgery.
“Allie, this is a normal thing in a relationship,” he said.
And he wasn’t wrong exactly. Verbal expressions of love are, indeed, common in relationships. But I wasn’t sure whether the stated expectation (i.e., for those expressions to come daily) was common. I’m still not.
I tried to piece together a coherent explanation for my resistance, but he rushed to placate the situation. “Forget I said anything,” he said. And then: “I forgot that things that are normal for most people are issues for you.”
Looking back, what bothers me most is not that Jason identified the (avoidant) attachment style I was demonstrating and attributed many of my behaviors to it. He was right — I had some things to work on. But I’m bothered that he failed to see how his own attachment issues were a part of the equation. And I’m most bothered by the mild gaslighting that became a mainstay in our interactions.
You’re not normal to need space.
You’re not normal to resist scheduled affirmations of love.
You’re not normal to resist creating grand plans for the distant future.
You’re not normal.
You’re not normal.
You’re not normal.
