Devout: Mark

On our first date, I admitted to Mark that I was writing about dating. “Sometimes the only thing I get out of dates is some good writing material,” I joked.

“What will you find to write about tonight?” he joked back.

“That’s to be determined,” I replied. “I’ll keep you posted.”

My first impressions of Mark were that he was grounded, ethical, and kind. It was early on in the date that I started having those familiar obsessive thoughts: Is he “the one”? Can I see myself marrying him? Would we be happy together? Are we compatible? Would my family like him?

Mark spoke openly about wanting to start a family—and soon; he was older than me. We discussed our own respective childhoods and family dynamics. He mentioned that his parents were married, but not living together. He said that they no longer loved each other, but that divorce was out of the question. Puzzled, I asked why.

“My mom is a devout Catholic,” he explained. “Like me.” A moment of silence followed, as I processed his words.

“You identify as a devout Catholic?” I asked, for clarification. He nodded.

Having spent most of my life on the west coast of the United States, which is arguably The Land of the Atheists, no churchgoing Catholic had crossed my dating path until this time.

In later conversations explaining this scenario to friends, I tried to understand exactly why this piece of information had given me pause. It was not because Mark was devoted to practicing Catholicism, although our differing religious beliefs might have complicated any relationship we attempted. What I found most troubling, I think, was how eager he was to add the label “devout,” which connotes something more than a relationship with God, Jesus, and the religious community.

Early dates are like rollercoasters, at least when you have a brain that obsesses over compatibility. The ups and downs involved in discovering every dealmaker and breaker are, more than anything, exhausting.

But we keep trying, don’t we? God, help us?