I Didn’t Know How to Say “No”

“Can I get your number?” he asked me, at that bar in SF.

My stomach shifted a little. I was not in the mood to chat with strangers. I was not in the mood to give anyone my number. I only wanted a quiet evening out with girlfriends.

I didn’t know how to say “No,” though.

I didn’t want to cause him the pain of rejection; I know how that feels. I didn’t want to shame him, a memory that would stay with him for decades; I know how that feels. And also, simply, I felt scared by the possibility I might receive his anger, his misdirected embarrassment.

I didn’t know how to say “No.” So I said “Yes.”

That night, I gave him my number. And, as I understand it now, in doing so I reinforced the belief I held that the feelings of this man—this stranger—were more important than my own.

Dear girl, how can you teach your soul to trust you, when you sacrifice it, devalue it, all the time? Teach yourself, when given the opportunity, that you will protect and prioritize yourself.

And here was a second opportunity: that stranger texted me. He asked me out, and I didn’t want to go out with him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I needed to stop hurting myself. I drafted a response:

“Hi Gabe! I hope you’re well. I’m flattered by the invite, and I appreciate the vulnerability I know it takes to ask. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to go out. I probably shouldn’t have given you my number but couldn’t tell you ‘no’ at the time. I hope you understand.”

I sent it and waited through the fear. The fear of hurting him, of making him angry. The fear of this whole lesson backfiring.

As good fortune (or love from the universe) would have it, Gabe’s message was the most thoughtful, gentle response I could ever have imagined.

“Wow, what a mature, articulate way of handling the situation,” he wrote. “We need more of this in the world. I understand, and I wish you the best of luck!”

Gabe, thank you for helping me to reinforce myself. I’m guessing that you don’t remember this now, but I want you to know that you permanently shifted my perception for the better.