“I want him to be confident—like, really confident. And funny; I’m attracted to people who are quick-witted. And social—extraverted. Not awkward. Oh, and I’m into guys who are intelligent and who are capable of having deep, interesting conversations.”
My therapist, Adam, had just asked me what traits I typically looked for in a partner. I had thought about this more than a few times before, so the list was easy to generate. Patterns in my romantic interests were clear—and not just to me.
“Do you see?” he asked carefully.
“See what?” I replied.
“Remind me of the things you see yourself lacking.”
Oh.
I silently reviewed all the shortcomings I had believed about myself. They had been the subject of many therapy sessions, naturally. I believed that I was awkward. That I was as unfunny as they could come, a hopeless storyteller. That I was too shy, too introverted, too fragile. That I wasn’t charismatic or smart or confident enough.
When it clicked, I actually laughed aloud. It was almost too perfect.
Of course, these shortcomings were only products of my vivid imagination; they were simply old narratives born from painful experiences, replaying again and again in a sensitive body and mind. I understand now, and even knew intellectually then, that “enough” of any of these traits was an arbitrary target, and one that would move further out of reach if I arrived at it without therapy and self-reflection.
“Well, what can I do about that?” I asked. I was focused on finding a certain kind love. I wanted to date. Specifically, I wanted to date successfully.
I answered my own question before Adam had time to.
You work on loving you.
2 Responses
And it’s the hardest thing to do, isn’t it–to work on loving yourself? And why is it so much easier for some people than others? I’ve been wondering for decades.
My hunch is, you’re doing a very smart thing by wondering aloud at this point in life. You’re cracking it all open and bringing clarity to your journey.
Wish we’d talked more in grad school! It’s a complete delight to learn about you now, though. Thank you for all you’ve shared so far, and KEEP WRITING!
Hi Liane! It does feel like the hardest. I think sensitivity plays a big role. But, then, what makes some of us more sensitive than others?
It’s honestly been such a relief overall — sharing all of these stories I have kept so close to my chest out of fear/shame. Scary, but a relief.
I wish we had talked more in grad school, too. I was pretty deep in impostor syndrome for much of it, so I kept lots of people at a distance. Couldn’t risk you thinking I didn’t deserve to be there 😉 Ha! But I thought the world of you.
Hope you’re well and staying safe. Thanks so much for reading.
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