Your Attraction to Thin Women Is Not Unique to You

This post is the third in a series. (Please read this post and this post first, if you haven’t yet!)

“It’s just the body type I’m attracted to,” he said, casually. As if there were nothing more to unpack from that statement.

I had heard it before, more than once, and I’ll hear it again; I’m sure. I bristled a little. Conversations on female bodies, specifically concerning male attraction, make me uneasy.

“I don’t buy it.”

I surprised myself by the firm statement, as it escaped from my lips. “Like, I believe you’re attracted to a certain body type,” I continued, with more control, to clarify. “But I don’t believe it’s as simple as a trait you’re born with: attraction to thin women. I think you need to reconsider that belief. And the consequences of it.”

We were sitting outside Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, waiting for Trevor Noah’s show. We had been chatting about attraction, about the factors at play when we initially “swiped right” and matched with each other on Tinder.

I listed aloud several things that have always caught my attention in a profile: interest in languages and cultures, progressive beliefs, and dedication to self-improvement, to name a few. I might have added “man buns.” Or maybe not. I definitely said the thing I always say on the topic of attraction: that for me, the person I’ve felt most attracted to was not one I saw as attractive from the start. He wasn’t objectively attractive, by society’s standards. For me, attraction is far more complex than physical appearance.

And then it was Jason’s turn.

“Well, now I don’t want to tell you. You’ll think I’m shallow,” he said.

We had met nine months before, and we had dated exclusively for the previous six months. Would his answer change my impression of him?

He eventually did tell me, and his answer did bother me, but I wasn’t surprised by it. He said he filters first for people he determines physically attractive online. I suppose we all do, to a certain extent. In online dating, we have limited data with which to make decisions. But I was annoyed that he felt his idea of physical attraction was something unique to him. Like he was throwing his hands up in the air and claiming complete blamelessness: “I can’t help it.” We argued briefly.

“What matters is that your body type is the one I’m most attracted to,” he said, attempting to conclude the conversation, to compliment me, to move on to less risky topics.

Then, I was mad. Mad that he thought that was a compliment. Mad that he might have made a different decision than to date me, had I looked different. (What if my pictures had shown me with a fuller face, wider hips, a plush belly?) Mad that Tinder isn’t equally kind to women of all body types. And mad that I battled my body for years trying to make it look like an unattainable ideal: flat stomach, thigh gap, skeletal arms.

I prefer my anger, honestly. It makes me feel like I have agency, and it’s a nice alternative to what I generally feel: weariness. I find myself exhausted by all the things all of us—but especially women—are encouraged to do to conform to society’s expectations. Shaving and waxing and contouring. Push-up bras and skinny jeans and high heels. Some eye cream for those wrinkles and some hair dye to cover the gray. Chin tucked for the camera, hand on the hip for a skinny arm.

And it’s exhausting to choose not to conform, too. Explanations and second glances and raised eyebrows. Sometimes it’s easier to just shave the damn legs.

Jason, consistent with my initial impressions of him, was open-minded and pensive. If he doesn’t understand this, there’s no hope for most people, I thought. He listened to my perspective on social conditioning, which can be summarized succinctly:

Check yourself. We all need to. Particularly if the traits you find attractive align with society’s definitions of attraction. Go deeper. Replace your shame with curiosity. Then think about the Why.

Why do I like what I like? Why am I attracted to thin women? Why am I attracted to tall men? Why am I attracted to people of one race over another? Why?