Do you struggle with commitment in relationships? Do you consistently doubt your partner’s “rightness” for you, to the point that your thoughts about it are all-consuming? Do you wake up each morning feeling like there is a decision to be made about your relationship? Do you obsessively seek others’ opinions on your relationship? You are not alone. Also, have you heard about Relationship OCD?
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, otherwise known as Relationship OCD or ROCD, is a subtype of the better-known Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), one of many anxiety disorders. If anxiety is a book, OCD is a chapter, and Relationship OCD is a page in that chapter. OCD sufferers perseverate on unwanted thoughts and sometimes perform behaviors (compulsions) to make them go away and get relief from the anxiety.
Relationship OCD, then, is characterized by unwanted thoughts and compulsions that occur specifically in the context of dating and relationships.
What does Relationship OCD look like?
Relationship OCD looks different from person to person, and sometimes sufferers lack awareness around the degree to which their thoughts are a problem. (After all, it’s not unusual to have doubts about a relationship, and it’s not unusual for these doubts to lead to break-ups.) Unfortunately, these characteristics often make it difficult to identify Relationship OCD in those who really have it. Still, there are a number of classic perseverative thoughts and respective compulsions in ROCD sufferers.
Common Perseverative Thoughts in Relationship OCD
— Is this relationship right?
— Do I see this lasting long-term? (If not, it’s better to get out now.)
— Am I attracted my partner?
— Do I love my partner?
— Does my partner love me?
— Will my partner leave or betray me?
— Will I leave or betray my partner?
— Will this relationship make me happy?
Common Compulsions in Relationship OCD
— Making mental lists of “pros” and “cons” about your partner or relationship
— Constantly monitoring your own body for evidence of attraction (or lack thereof)
— Monitoring your own behaviors (e.g., amount of time spent thinking about your partner, desire to text your partner, need for alone time) for evidence of love or affection (or lack thereof)
— Checking with your partner to make sure he or she still likes you
— Routinely seeking opinions or reassurance from third parties about the health of your relationship
— Fixating on the things you like about your partner
— Fixating on the things you don’t like about your partner
— Avoiding situations that trigger obsessive thoughts
— Engaging in behaviors that make you feel in control of life or the relationship
— Comparing your relationship to others’ relationships or your own previous relationships
— Breaking up
Each of the perseverative thoughts and compulsions will fall into one of two symptom categories: Relationship-Centered or Partner-Focused.
Relationship OCD or Wrong Relationship?
It can feel incredibly difficult to determine whether your relationship doubts are due to Relationship OCD or due to being in the “wrong relationship.” The perceived danger of being in the wrong relationship, or of “settling” in an inadequate relationship, may feel overwhelming. It may even feel scary enough to end an otherwise healthy relationship prematurely.
The truth is that there is no perfect relationship because there is no perfect human being (much less two). People without Relationship OCD recognize imperfections in their partner or relationship as normal or beatable. But people with ROCD see imperfections as threats.
Well-intentioned family and friends of ROCD sufferers may witness the turmoil he or she is experiencing and wrongly attribute it to a “wrong relationship,” not understanding the underlying cause. They might say things such as “Maybe it’s just not a good fit” or “It seems like you’re just not into him” or “This appears to be causing more stress than it’s worth.” Of course, there is the obvious exception of a truly unhealthy or toxic relationship, which would be full of red flags. It should be noted that many people with Relationship OCD experience debilitating symptoms in otherwise healthy relationships.
When Do ROCD Symptoms Begin?
In most cases, Relationship OCD symptoms typically begin as the commitment and investment in a relationship increase. First dates are low-risk in that there are typically no expectations, few feelings, and little commitment involved. Additionally, people tend to hide their faults early in a relationship, providing the perception of perfection. Gradually, as a relationship intensifies, commitment increases, and imperfections show, Relationship OCD symptoms may appear.
Certain milestones in a relationship, especially those associated with long-term commitment, often precipitate Relationship OCD. Individuals typically struggle with becoming exclusive, meeting family members, moving in together, getting engaged, and getting married. In each of these situations, “cold feet” are normal; debilitating unwanted thoughts and compulsions are not.
How Do I Know If I Have ROCD?
Are the obsessive thoughts and compulsions listed above familiar to you? If so, you may have Relationship OCD. In order to receive a medical diagnosis of OCD and any of its subtypes, you must see a medical professional, specifically a licensed psychiatrist, for an assessment. For more information, see the International OCD Foundation’s website and resource directory.
Is There Any Good News?
The good news is that you can get help. Although you may always have the disorder, you can manage its symptoms. Find a therapist for some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or talk to a psychiatrist to explore medications used for OCD and ROCD. Read some leading books in the field or take up meditation. There’s even an app on the market focused on relieving symptoms of Relationship OCD. More tips and tricks soon for shedding light on the scary monster that may be lurking in your relationship!
